Fish Ratings – New York – 10 December, 2019:
Fish Ratings has downgraded Sea Robin’s Long-Term Fish Default Rating to ‘CCC+’ from ‘B-’ after an analyst caught one on a fishing trip in the Long Island Sound. The Outlook is Stable.
“I went out on a fishing trip with a few friends on a boat in the Long Island Sound, and the only thing I caught was one Sea Robin,” said Dick Landlubber, senior analyst and novice fisherman at Fish Ratings. “Christ! Now I know why they call them trash fish.”
“I was pretending not to care about not having caught anything all day, even though everyone else had bagged at least one Porgy (‘BBB-’; Outlook Stable), but I was still having a pretty good time until I yanked that ugly bastard out of the sea.”
“When it took the bait, my heart started racing. I was psyched to finally be reeling something in. But then this hideous head popped up. I found myself staring into its soulless black pearls of eyes, and that wasn’t even the worst part – it turns out that Sea Robins make a pathetic, disturbing croaking noise when they are out of water, like some kind of hellish frog.”
“While it’s producing this pitiful, raspy wheeze, its horrible spiny wings are flapping in a wild panic, and I am frozen to the deck of the boat, thinking, ‘Get back in the sea, briny hellspawn!’”
“The goddamn thing has legs! I looked it up once, in a fit of morbid curiosity – they are actually flexible spines that start off as part of the pectoral fin but separate out as the fish develops, and aid it in its bottom-feeding quest. The Sea Robin is the ultimate retort to creationists.”
“Around 2007 or 2008, believe it or not, British celebrity chefs and restaurant critics began to tout this horrendous denizen of the depths as a sustainable alternative to overfished species, perhaps to test the gullible public’s appetite for absurd and revolting food trends. To make it sound better, they called it Gunard instead of Sea Robin, but it is the same abysmal, inedible fiend (and ranks pari passu).”
“As I stood paralyzed, holding the rod for grim life, the boat’s grizzled old deckhand stepped over, unhooked the unholy catch deftly from my hook and tossed the flapping fish casually back into the deep.”
“What horrors must that old sailor have witnessed for this winged abomination not to faze him, even slightly? Giant tentacles? I can only shudder.”
For these reasons, Fish Ratings has downgraded Sea Robin’s Long-Term FDR to ‘CCC+’ from ‘B-’. The Outlook is Stable.
Photo By Daiju Azuma – CC BY-SA 2.5